Wednesday, June 29, 2011

62 Power Questions

This is from a website I found while browsing the internet.  It's called 62 Power Questions You Should Ask to Reconnect with Yourself.  So I guess you're just supposed to look through them and think about the questions, but I think there's something to be said for being able to articulate the answers to these difficult questions.  I've spent a lot of time working on this.  There is a lot of revealing stuff in here that most people maybe wouldn't have posted, so be gentle.  I've always tried to be a very open person, so here it is! 

What is that thing that no one, not even your partner, your mother or your best friend, knows about you?  This is like remarkably childish... But I'm actually scared of being alone. Not emotionally alone, but physically by myself.  Being by myself but in a public place is fine, but being at home alone in total silence is really scary to me... It's so embarrassing but whenever I'm alone I get so anxious. Like... I think that there is going to be someone there who I don't expect or something. I can't explain it. Phew. There it is. No one use that against me.
What would make you feel embarrassed in public?  I hate when people make fun of my clothing in public... It's something I'm self-conscious about anyway and having attention drawn to it in public is SO embarrassing.
What do you think is your biggest flaw? What have you done about it?  One of my biggest flaws is definitely how critical I am. School has helped me with this because I've been able to learn very personal things about the people in my core and I've realized that people's actions are always reactions to something else that's happened in their life. So I guess I've learned to try and be empathetic and think about where someone is coming from before judging them.
What is your biggest strength? How did you develop it? My biggest strength is my independence. I think to a certain extent, I didn't develop this strength, it developed me. A combination of being the oldest child, going through my parents' divorce, and being exposed to a lot of life lessons early on helped to develop a certain strength and independence.
What do you have to put up with in your life? How long have you been tolerating it? The first thing that comes to mind is incompetence and ignorance.  It sounds awful, but basically stupid people. And they're always going to be around.
If you could change your name, what would your new name be?  Something delicate and feminine. Tia is pretty, don't get me wrong, but it's quirky and fun. I'd probably change it to something like Rachelle. Something that starts with an 'R' for sure. I think that's the prettiest letter. Your name defines you to a certain extent, and I would love to be a more delicate and feminine person.
If you could change your appearance, how would you decide to look? I'd move some of the weight from my ass to my chest. And I wouldn't have fat knees. 
What color dominates your wardrobe? How do you feel when you wear that color? Why? I wear neutrals almost ALWAYS. Black, gray, brown, tan, and white DOMINATE my wardrobe. I feel like wearing subdued colors makes people focus more on what I actually look like instead of what I'm wearing. 
Which song do you sing only when you’re alone? What memory does it bring back? Phew, this one is tricky. The first one to come to mind is 'Still Hurting' from The Last Five Years. Sure, I would sing this for people but I'd rather sing it alone. It always reminds me of my last relationship. Makes me cry every time. 
Whom do you secretly envy? Why?  I secretly envy dancers.  Actually, it's not much of a secret.  I love that dancers are so comfortable with their bodies. 
What do you really want?  I really REALLY want to be successful.  I think performers can relate to this... We get a lot of doubt from other people.  Honestly, I doubt this career path a lot myself, and I would love nothing more than to be successful and happy as an actor and prove them all wrong.
What is the way you often sabotage yourself?  I discredit myself on things I'm insecure about. I'm uncomfortable with my dancing abilities, so I often don't go as full out when people are around because I'm afraid of looking stupid. I guess the root of that is being afraid to look stupid. 
Who would you like to please the most?  My teachers and my mom and my sister.
What do you think a stranger’s first impression of you would be? Probably that I'm a bitch. Sometimes my face just looks like I'm pissed off. 
What recurring dream do you have? What do you think is the message your subconscious is sending you through that dream?  I have this recurring dream that I'm on the swingset in my backyard and I get swinging really really high, fly off the swing and just as I'm about to fly over the fence on the other side of my yard the dream starts over and I'm back to swinging. This goes on for what feels like hours. I think it's my subconscious showing me my potential and my struggle to achieve it. Interesting fact: I haven't had that dream since coming to school... Maybe I'm on the right track then?
What would you try now if you were sure you wouldn’t fail?  Moving to New York to audition and work.
What was that thing you never tried because you were afraid of failure?  Gymnastics.  I was a pretty paranoid kid... Scared of breaking my neck.
What was your greatest disappointment in life?  Well, obviously I'm pretty young.  But I'd say the greatest disappointment (or rather disappointing realization) would be that sometimes you can't trust the people you care about the most.  
As a kid, what did you dream of becoming when you grew up?  I always wanted to be a singer. 
What are you really good at?  Singing. That's probably the main thing I guess. I think I'm a pretty good teacher too.
What can you do better?  DANCE. All I want is to be a fierce dancer. Also, I could probably own my emotions better and learn to express myself in a healthier way.
What worries you the most when you think about your future?  I get really worried that I won't be happy.  I know that I love what I'm studying, but the field is so scary.  
What really sucks in your life? Who has the power to change itMy relationship with my dad sucks.  He has the power to change my relationship with him.  I'll keep working too, but I've given a hell of a lot at this point.
What is your life really about? What is your purpose in life?  Too soon to say, I hope.  I don't know what my purpose in life is yet.  Right now my life is about education, arts, and my friends and family.  I know that no matter where my life takes me, all three of these things will be in it, in some form or another. 
What fear could wake you in the middle of the night?  One fear that could and DOES wake me in the middle of the night is that I'm going to be late for class.  Every day at like 6 A.M. I jerk awake thinking I'm going to be late.  All because I slept through Peter Mansfield's piano class ONE TIME.
What joy could wake you in the middle of the night?  Good news or a call from a good friend... Or waking up and remembering that tomorrow's my birthday.
What are you grateful for?  I'm really grateful for my mom and my sister and all the stuff we've been through together, especially this last year.  We drive each other nuts sometimes, but at the end of the day I know they've got my back.  I'm also really grateful for the chance I've had this last year to study at the Boston Conservatory and follow my dream to study musical theater. Most of all, I'm grateful for my friends. They keep me sane -- Honestly.  I realize now how lucky I am to have a group of friends in Salt Lake and a group of friends from school scattered around the country.  They all put up with a lot from me, and they'll never know how much I love and care about every single one of them.
What time of the day do you feel the most energetic? And what do you usually do in those moments?  I feel most energetic when I have exciting plans or if I'm going to see someone I love.  I guess that's usually in the early evening.  In those moments I just blast my iPod in my room while I'm getting ready or in the car and just sing and dance my heart out.  It's SO childish, but it's the absolute best.
If you knew you had only one week to live, how and with whom would you spend it?  I would spend it on a beach somewhere with all of my friends.  I wouldn't spend it doing crazy things or whatever.  I'd rather just chill with the people I love. 
Why do you think your most favorite film touches you so deeply?  My favorite film in the entire world is Ever After... I guess the reason why it touches me so deeply is because of the fairytale romance theme.  One day I wish to feel that way about someone - A wish that seems to really be slipping away lately.
What are you really bad at?  I'm really bad at admitting when I'm wrong.
Who would you like to forgive and forget?  I wouldn't ever want to forget anyone.  People are brought into our lives for a reason.  I would love to be able to forgive my dad though.
Do you often hear your inner voice? What does it usually tell you?   I don’t know if you can call it a voice, but I guess it tells me how I unrealistically should actually behave. Sometimes I act in a certain way, knowing consciously that it would be better for me to act a different way. The battle of head vs. heart rages on.
When was the last time you cried without anyone seeing you? And why?  The last time I cried without anyone seeing me was in my car on the way to pick up a friend. I was just overwhelmed and stressed.  When I get on edge the smallest things can upset me and sometimes I just need to take a drive in my car and calm down.
What do you want people you meet for the first time to think about you?  I really want people to think that i’m pretty, confident, and well-liked. I’m very concerned with what people think of me.
What’s your most striking physical attribute? Do you like it?  I think my most striking attribute would be my eyes.  I like them most of the time.  I look like a drag queen in too much stage makeup... But I wouldn’t trade 'em.
If you had the opportunity to go back in time and make a change, would you still want to have the same parents?  No, I wouldn’t.  But I honestly think every single person would say the same thing.  I am a believer in old and young souls, and I really think I’m an old soul... Making me a skeptic (or realist...) about a lot of things in the world, especially love.  I think having parents whose marriage didn’t last and lost all trust wasn’t a great thing for my sense of belief in love and family and marriage and stuff like that... But if I had parents who had a fairytale romance and I wasn’t exposed to the dangers of real world romance, I would resent them for not preparing me for what is out there.
If you could go back in time and change things, how would you alter the last ten years?  I don't really know that I would alter specific events or anything, just to be able to repeat a few things with the knowledge I have now.  I'm sure middle school would have been a lot cooler if I had known how not to be a total weirdo.  Oh and I would have transferred to SLSPA sophomore year instead of junior year so I could have had an extra year of training.
If you could get rid of one of your responsibilities today, what would that be?  I would not want to be so responsible for dealing with my financial situation at school.  I have a lot of friends whose parents just take care of finances behind their backs and they don’t really know what happens.  That stresses me out more than you know and I would love nothing more than to live in ignorance about it.
What is the biggest lie you tell yourself?  That I don't care.
What do you think is missing in your life?  A free-spirited energy.  I think I'm a fun person in general, but a lot of times I feel like I'm missing a youthfulness.  I think that because of a lot of life circumstances or whatever, I've been forced into a position of maturity and it made me grow up too fast.
What do you think is the biggest injustice that was ever done to you?  My mom and sister and I found out about two years ago that my dad spent over $130,000 behind our backs, starting in 1994.  I think that was a huge injustice done to me and my family, especially since Telise and I are now college age and have to deal with the financial situation we didn't know we were even in.
What type of person angers you the most?  Unfortunately, I'm angered by a lot of different types of people.  I guess all of the things that annoy me about people boils down to ignorance.
Who never fails to make you feel good about yourself?  One of my best friends in the world, Bailie Breault
If you could start all over again, what would you want to study?  I would choose to study musical theater again and again.  I love what I'm studying so much.  If I had to choose something else it would be either straight acting or journalism.
Which type of intelligence do you wish you had: kinetic, visual, interpersonal, linguistic or mathematical?  Kinetic... For that dancing...
What is your biggest pet peeve?  Phony people.  And that covers a wide range.  I hate it when people are either untrue to themselves or pretend to be something that they're not.  This includes arrogance.
What do you like about yourself the most?  This is a pretty recent thing (within the last year or so), but I love that I'm confident in who I am.  Being moved out of my house for the school year gave me an opportunity to be alone with my thoughts and discover who I really am.  "You can't make someone love you, all you can do is be someone who can be loved."
What do you regret the most?  I really regret not taking better advantage of my high school training and resources.  I had fabulous teachers there for me and in a lot of ways I just did what I needed to do to get by and didn't go the extra mile in a lot of ways.
What would you like most to be acknowledged for in your life?  I just really want a Tony Award... But I guess I would love to be taken seriously as an actor, I would love to be recognized for making a contribution not only to the art of acting but to society.  To be able to change the world through art would be the ultimate goal. 
What is the first thought that usually crosses your mind the second you open your eyes in the morning?  What my schedule is for the day and how long I have until I need to be ready.  Also, what my plans are for the evening.  I hate going all day not knowing what I'm going to be doing later.
What is that thing about yourself you’re sick and tired of?  I'm getting really sick and tired of the "frigid bitch" thing.  I'll be the first to admit that I'm a sassy person or whatever, and I don't mind when friends joke around about it, but when it's nonstop it's a little too much.  I definitely feed the fire, but I think that's something I'll work on this year.
Who really depends on you? Why?  My mom and my sister.  We all depend on each other, especially this last year.  We drive each other crazy but with my parents' divorce, we all need to be there for each other more than ever.
What was the most frustrating period in your creative life?  So far, I'm IN the most frustrating period in my creative life, mainly because I haven't had a very long creative life and also because I'm in a state of recognized incompetence. More on that later, courtesy of Jaron Barney.
Do you love yourself?  I honestly do.  There are things about me that I don't love and there are certain decisions I make that I don't love, but at the end of the day, yes I do.
If you were your own coach, how would you guide yourself?  I would tell myself to trust yourself and work to BE as confident as you ACT.  I would tell myself to face your insecurities and fears and not be afraid to make a fool out of yourself.  You only have one life... Don't waste it being afraid of what others think of you.

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