Thursday, March 31, 2011

Is the grass really greener?

Sitting in the light booth waiting for the opening night performance of The Mikado to start here at the BoCo.  Just wanted to write about a few things that have been getting me down lately.  Part of my frustration may be because of the wintry mix outside right now... Is this an April Fool's joke?  Not funny.  Either way, I've been really upset lately about the level of professionalism (or rather the lack of professionalism...) within my class and the school in general.  Part of it is definitely that it is nearing the end of freshman year and we've been in close quarters with each other for such a long time without much of a break.  I'm just seeing a lot of people skipping classes and disrespecting teachers and not completing their work and it's affecting me.  I know it shouldn't, but when our learning is so group-oriented, it's hard not to notice or let it affect the work I'm doing.  It's sort of made me start thinking about other programs, but then I wonder... Is the grass really greener on the other side?  No matter where we are in our lives, there will always be something else we want or need.  Happiness comes with being able to live in the present and appreciate where we're at and make the good outweigh the bad in our lives.  I guess what I'm struggling with is learning how to cope with the bad things.  I just know my family has sacrificed so much for me to be here and I want to get as much out of my education as I possibly can.  No one should have the ability to interfere with my learning.  How do I deal with this?  I'm working on it.  I'll let you know when I figure it out. 

Sunday, March 27, 2011


So it's finally my turn.  Every freshman Musical Theater and Dance major has a tech requirement for our Stagecraft class... And the time has come.  I was assigned to tech The Mikado - The spring opera mainstage.  I'm actually in rehearsal right now.  We're in the first weekend of tech where we have two 12-hour rehearsals for two days in a row.  It's possibly the worst way to spend a Sunday afternoon.  Especially because since I'm the light board operator and the light board hasn't been fully programmed yet, I'm literally sitting on my ass all weekend.  

Luckily, I was let go early last night and got to go to Boston College with my girl Malari and see an improv show with her friend from home.  It was so nice to not only get away from rehearsal, but to get out of the BoCo bubble for an evening.  Boston College has a beautiful campus too!  I'm definitely going back soon. One thing I noticed about going to BC is that it was sort of like high school... Everyone knew each other, the boys were making dumb jokes, and the theater was so fun and rowdy.  Like high school but with more drinking.  I miss that every so often, but I don't think I could ever be a full-time student at a big school like that.  It was definitely something that made me realize that I'm at the right kind of school.  My friend Matt and I were talking about that the other day... What are we doing here?  We're studying to work in one of the most fickle industries in the world.  Wouldn't it be easier to go with my initial plan and study political science with a minor in journalism at a liberal arts college?  It's been a challenge for me over the last couple of weeks.  I know I love what I'm doing, it's just scary to think of going out into the world and making a living as an actor - especially since I can't wait tables...  Sometimes, since we're all working so hard at our craft it starts to feel like more work than passion.  I've had a lot of discussions with my close friends about this lately and really, the only answer is this:  I'm studying theater because I can't imagine myself doing anything else.  

Speaking of Matt, IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY TODAY! Sadly, because of tech, I haven't gotten to see him yet.  He and a bunch of my good friends (Gavin, Alexis, Rachel, and Bailey) went to New York yesterday to see some shows and celebrate.  He got to be in Times Square right at midnight for his birthday!  I wish I could have been there. They saved me a spot in the pic!  

Oh!  And Bailie finally posted pictures from our New York trip just before spring break.  I'll post a few of my favorites here.  




Saturday, March 19, 2011

Big White Room

The lyrics to this song are overlooked.  Everyone's interested in her vocals and not so much in the meaning of the song. I think it's a beautiful song - very relatable especially lately.

Sitting in a big white room alone 
Tilt my head back, feel the tears fall down 
Close my eyes to see in the dark 
I feel young, broken, so so scared 

I don't wanna be here anymore 
I wanna be somewhere else normal and free, like I used to be 
But I have to stay in this big white room 
With little old me 

I'm going crazy, I'm losing my mind 
I'm going crazy, in this big white room of mine 
I'm going crazy, I'm losing my mind 
I'm going crazy, in this big white room of mine 

Sitting in a big white room alone 
Close the door don't want the pain to come in 
I clench my fist and try to stay strong 
I cry, feel sick my hearts beating b-b-b-b-beating neating out of control 
Can I run, run faster than you 
I wanna feel my body again, feel the wind in my hair - yeah 
But I have to stay in this big white room 
Cuz' no one else cares no 
I'm going crazy, I'm losing my mind 
I'm going crazy, in this big white room of mine 
I'm going crazy, I'm losing my mind 
I'm going crazy, in this big white room of mine 

Everybody's looking at me, everybody's staring at me 
What do I do now - smile, yeah, yeah 
Everybody's looking at me - everybody's staring at me 
What do I do now - smile 

I'm going crazy, I'm losing my mind 
I'm going crazy, in this big white room of mine 
I'm going crazy, I'm losing my mind 
I'm going crazy, in this big white room of mine

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Garden State

Oh hey Spring Break 2011!

Being home is the best.  I was SO ready for a break from school, and as always, being away from school makes me appreciate it and miss it even more.  And as always, I forget how little there is to do in Salt Lake when it's not really warm.  Lots of coffee dates, singing, and ... Yeah that's about it.  I'm really glad I've been only spending time with people I care about.  It's refreshing.  There are still a few people who I'd like to see more of, but I've decided to make the most of this break.  I guess I should probably start working on homework at some point, but I think we all know that's not going to happen until Monday night.  Let's be serious.  It's also nice to get a break from the people at school.  I love them all dearly, but too many theater kids together nonstop can get overwhelming.  Going back to your roots is invigorating and makes you appreciate what you have.

Being home I've been able to hang out and catch up with people I haven't seen in a long time.  It's been great catching up with them, but it's so weird at the same time.  I feel like being away at college has changed me so much and things here have stayed pretty much the same.  It reminds me of the movie Garden State where he says "It's like that moment when you realize the house you grew up in isn't your home anymore."  That quote has been in my mind a lot the last few months.  Moving away to college is great and I don't regret it at all, but they never tell you how weird you feel to come back home.  I feel like I have two completely separate lives and can't find the balance between the two of them.  I don't know how to have conversations with people at home that don't end up turning into talks about Boston or school or theater.  I've heard it's mostly just a freshman year thing. I'm sure it'll be easier to find a balance as I get more used to it.  I think that's why I'm so anxious to get back to school.  It's easier to not talk about home life than it is to not talk about school life... 

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Back to the BoCo!

So currently I'm on the Megabus heading home from New York.  Luckily they have free Wi-Fi on certain buses.  I just had the most amazing weekend with my best friend in the whole world, Bailie, and her grandpa Jim.  We did some shopping in the city on Saturday, had dinner at the Olive Garden in Times Square (The best restaurant in the best city with the best people... It seemed obvious), then got third row tickets to Driving Miss Daisy.  Unfortunately Vanessa Redgrave was sick, so we saw her understudy.  Still a fantastic show though.  James Earl Jones was brilliant.  I also just want to say how great New York City is.  This trip was the only time I've been here and it hasn't been freezing cold and miserable.  When the weather is nice, it's absolute heaven.  I'm so lucky to live in a city so close to the center of everything.  Bai documented the SHIT out of our weekend, so I'll be sure to post pictures in a few days.

Being away from the BoCo bubble, even just for a weekend, is so therapeutic.  Everything we do revolves around school, which is great for me -- It's why I chose to go to a Conservatory -- but sometimes it's hard to get an actual break from everything if you're still on campus.  I'm so thankful that I got an opportunity to take a break this weekend.  It really helps me to appreciate everyone and everything in Boston.  Doesn't matter if I'm gone for a day or for a month, I ALWAYS look forward to coming home to my own little BoCo corner of the Boston Back Bay.

One thing I thought about while in New York is how much being single has been good for me.  Weird thing to think about, I know.  The reason I bring it up is because I think it's made me appreciate all of the love in my life more.  I think sometimes in relationships, priorities get messed up and you take love that doesn't come from a significant other for granted.  I'm so grateful for the amazing people I have in my life and I appreciate them more and more every day.  I'm trying this new thing where I only surround myself with people who are worth my time.  So far it's the best decision I've ever made.

Home now! And speaking of just surrounding myself with my closest friends, I want to give a huge shout out to Rachel Hirschfeld.  She's one of the most loyal, genuine, and loving people I've ever met and I don't think I've given her enough credit (at least via this blog...) for how amazing she is.  We had a huge group go out to Cheesecake Factory tonight because her birthday is on Wednesday. Rachel is a star and I hope she has an awesome birthday!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011


So today I was supposed to have an audition for Freshman Revue in Musical Theater class...  But we didn't get through everyone today so I have to go on Friday.  To be honest, the thing I was most pissed at was the fact that I got dressed up (and by that I mean put jeans on...) for class and wasn't able to sing.  Had an .... interesting.... acting class this morning.  Began to work through a lot of stuff and I think things are headed in the right direction.  It's really unbelievable how ESSENTIAL trusting yourself is in this art form/career and that's what I'm working on. 

Yesterday was a really weird day though... For a lot of people, I think.  I woke up not really feeling like going anywhere or doing anything, but nailed my piano midterm and did really well in tap class, so my day was right back on track.  Looking back on the day, I don't know exactly when my day sort of went off course, but there are so many little things that went wrong or threw off my mood.  I think I've just been on the receiving end of a lot of hostility, harsh words, and ignorance.  That, combined with personal things I'm dealing with just kind of all surfaced today.  My girl Charley could tell from talking to me on Facebook chat that I was in a bad mood.  I know I have made some great friends here but I've been feeling like I don't have anyone to talk to, but I think it's my own issue, not anyone else's.  I was always told over and over again, growing up, that no one wants to be around a negative person and maybe that went too far.  I've recognized something about myself over the last year or so and even told the people in my core about it:  I have a really hard time confiding in people and talking about how I'm feeling, especially if I'm upset or sad about something.  It's because I'm afraid that people won't care to be around me if I spend time bitching about my life.  One thing that I think I'm well known for is being funny or entertaining to be around and I'm afraid that if ever I'm not like that, people will stop wanting to be around me.  SO the point of that tangent is that every so often I reach an emotional overflow because I deal with things on my own.  There are a few really amazing people here and I'm working to get to a point with myself where I'm comfortable sharing more.  Honesty is good for character development!

Other than that, trying to get more sleep, surrounding myself with only the people I love most, and learning more and more about myself every single day. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I absolutely can't wait for NYC and spring break!